"pleasant alloyed (mixed) with pain; pleasant but including
or marked by elements of suffering or regret".
I now understand this. How do I know, well I realized I was having moments of joy when thinking of Gee, then the tears would follow. This has been happening more and more. It happens most often when I get in the car, drive a few blocks and all of sudden I realize he won't be home when I return. Its a statement of mind and emotion in knowing the permanency of his departure. He is not on a business trip and returning in a few hours, but he is gone forever as we know it. He leaves behind the memories we created, the influences of his ways stay with us, the knowledge of learning what he taught us, but the man, the physical man is gone. Never to be seen in person or touched or felt. No lips touching, no soft caresses to the face, no laughter being heard from his throat, no beating of his heart to be heard. Gone. Permanently.
The sweetness comes in remembering the wonderful moments yet the realization that those moments will never be had and experienced once again with him. Only the memory lingers and reminds me of my loss and that can be very difficult to manage.
In the beginning of my loss, I felt that if there were a pill I could take to forget ever knowing him I would have swallowed it. In retrospect, I'm glad there is no such 'pill'. If I had forgotten him, I would not have remembered the good times. But alas, the good times at present are remembered with much tears in my eyes and the sound of my voice cracking as I remember and recite with my children, family and friends.
BITTERSWEET - the mixture of joy and pain
Posting this on behalf of a friend who had trouble posting. This is what Sabrina wrote:
ReplyDeleteI have read all your post. I can clearly hear you as I read along. I can also remember the feeling of that dreadful day when dear sweet Gee passed. My sister as you put it you are in recovery, you are in this journey and there are many people that have helped and encouraged you along the way but the further you get in this journey the people are few and very spaced out. that is because there are some parts of this journey you have to experince alone. Unfortuantely. I remember lossing my dad at 16 and watching my mom go throught this very same journey. Thank God you are not truly alone. Like when you went to Rhinebeck. The Holy Spirit is always there to comfort you. Thank you for sharing this very intimate part of you. I Love you dearly.
Mildred,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your vulnerability and willingness to share your deepest parts...you are a beautiful writer...
love you
Miriam
Mildred,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your openness and vulnerability. You are a beautiful writer...i will check back often to feel closer to you.
Love you,
Miriam
I was not fortunate to meet Glee in person, but through you and the members of the church I can see what a great person he was. I miss you in church. You have a great gift and when the spirit is in you, I can feel it too.
ReplyDelete