Bittersweet

Bittersweet according to Merriam-Webster: 

"pleasant alloyed (mixed) with pain; pleasant but including

or marked by elements of suffering or regret".

I now understand this.  How do I know, well I realized I was having moments of joy when thinking of Gee, then the tears would follow.  This has been happening more and more.  It happens most often when I get in the car, drive a few blocks and all of sudden I realize he won't be home when I return.  Its a statement of mind and emotion in knowing the permanency of his departure.  He is not on a business trip and returning in a few hours, but he is gone forever as we know it.  He leaves behind the memories we created, the influences of his ways stay with us, the knowledge of learning what he taught us, but the man, the physical man is gone.  Never to be seen in person or touched or felt.  No lips touching, no soft caresses to the face, no laughter being heard from his throat, no beating of his heart to be heard.  Gone.  Permanently. 

The sweetness comes in remembering the wonderful moments yet the realization that those moments will never be had and experienced once again with him.  Only the memory lingers and reminds me of my loss and that can be very difficult to manage. 

In the beginning of my loss, I felt that if there were a pill I could take to forget ever knowing him I would have swallowed it.  In retrospect, I'm glad there is no such 'pill'.  If I had forgotten him, I would not have remembered the good times.  But alas, the good times at present are remembered with much tears in my eyes and the sound of my voice cracking as I remember and recite with my children, family and friends.

BITTERSWEET - the mixture of joy and pain

Peter Gabriel : I Grieve 2002

Job - A Man of Endurance

For some time I have felt an urging to read the story of Job, an Old Testament character who endured much pain and much suffering.  He was a wealthy man, admired by many, large family and a loving wife.

I never wanted to read this particular book for fear that what Job went through somehow I would bring it upon myself.  I know that sounds weird and weird doesn't need explaining, but I did feel that way and so, I avoided reading the Book of Job.

As my life went into total chaos, beginning the night of Tuesday, May 5th, 2009,  the prompting and urging to turn to this book and read it, would not subside and I finally gave in.  As I cracked open those pages and started to read, I realized how much I understood Job and how much suffering he truly went through.  I cannot truly appreciate all his sufferings, but there was a part of me that understood a good portion of his 'woes and sorrows'.  I felt so drawn to reread certain sections of Job.  I kept reading the portion where he was told at four distinct times what had been lost.  I did understand.  I felt so like Job.  Distraught, filled with sorrow, fear, weepy, sad, lost in a fog, placed in some strange land that was so surreal that could anyone understand his thoughts and agony?

I recently shared the following with someone going through a difficult time:

"Holy Spirit knows our hearts better than we; HE hears the groanings of our spirit and brings it before the Father. [. . . ] You know, GOD allows us to travel these roads, although we can't understand why, but while we are traveling, we learn so much about ourselves and our relationship with HIM. Although there is a part of us that expects as children of GOD we should not experience these hardships, HE has a different plan for us. They may be very hurtful in the moment, but HIS plan begins to unfold as we trust in HIM. Sometimes that road is very lonely, it is times like that that we must turn to past blessings and not allow the enemy to steal our blessings and hope from us. Our greatest victories are when we are in the valley, because that is when GOD's strength is so easily seen and magnified in our lives. We can look back and know GOD brought us out of the valley. I am understanding what 'bittersweet' means and I feel so blessed to have so many praying for me. I will keep your friends in prayer. They too will one day hit that same road I am on of bittersweetness."

Rhinebeck, etc.

This was shared on the Women of Unity's Newsletter at my Church. . .

Rhinebeck Wool and Sheep Fair - October 16, 2010

I had the pleasure of attending the wool and sheep fair in Rhinebeck, New York back in October.  Gee and I had made lots of plans to visit, but of course, life got in the way.  I decided to join a knitting circle in my neighborhood and the coordinator of the group always made a trek to Rhinebeck yearly.  So I paid the fee and on the bus I went, not really knowing anyone on this trip.  This was my very first my excursion outside of Brooklyn without Gee and without my family.  Interesting isn’t it, how you can be surrounded by many people, yet feel so alone.

 

I spent that entire day by myself wandering the grounds and constantly spending lots of time with the animals.  For some reason, I was really drawn to the animals – it was like going to the zoo for adults. Although I didn't know anyone I felt so very in tune to these beautiful animals, albeit some needed to be groomed.

As I wandered the various vendors, I came across a vendor selling sheep pelts. I came across one pelt that was rather small, champagne colored with one large brown or black spot. I ran my fingers over the fur and noticed that the tips of the fur were still colored in a taupe coloring that had not been shorn off in the process, but as you got further down closer to the skin, the fur was creamy white. I asked the woman why this animal had been put down when clearly it was so beautiful and the spot made it even more intriguing. She replied “it is that very spot that you call beautiful that cut that animals life short. The animal could not be sold for breeding because it was spotted.”

I thought about that and wondered how many of us would have been put down because of our scars or ‘spots’, yet someone still found us beautiful enough despite the 'spots' that HE gave HIS life for us.  The Word of God tells us, ‘by HIS stripes we are healed’.

The Old Testament tells us that the lamb had to be spotless in order for it to be sacrificed to GOD.  Yet through grace, with all our scars, we are beautiful and valuable enough in HIS eyes not to be put ‘down’.  The scars and spots we carry make us more valuable because they are lessons we carry with us from our past that teach, encourage and remind us of HIS everlasting love.

I didn’t spend that day by myself, but Holy Spirit accompanied me.  And through those hours I learned so much.  I am on a path of healing. . .how long will it take, only HE can tell. . .I’m in no rush, I just hope I can keep my heart and spirit sensitive and opened enough to learn.

I regretted not purchasing that pelt.  So now I am on a mission to find the perfect spotted pelt. 

Background Reading

I posted this sometime ago on a different blog. . .just trying to give you some background. . .

TUESDAY, MAY 18, 2010

One Year Anniversary

One year has passed since my companion, friend, husband left this present realm. I have journeyed extensively both emotionally, financially, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have had so many give their support to me in various ways. Like a marathon runner, many were on the sidelines passing me nourishment along the way. Some ran with me, others met me along different points, but all were a constant help in a time of need. I thank you each and all -- life was not intended to be done by oneself, but with others.

My journey is not over. I continue to grieve the loss of my husband, Gee. But I cannot change 'life'. I am where I am supposed to be and as such will continue to journey along. I know one day the hurt will be so much less. I can smile now w/o feeling guilty, I can sometimes watch TV programs we both shared and enjoyed together w/o feeling weird. I am acquiring confidence in my driving, although I still hate driving, but am getting places with the help of my TomTom and my daughter, The Navigator and Co-Pilot!

Background Info Cont'd

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2009

The Loss of My Husband, Friend, My Everyday. . .

I have not posted in some time because I have not been able to pick up my knitting needles. You see my best friend and husband of 18 years passed away on Tuesday, May 5, 2009. We had dinner together, watched American Idol together and then he was gone. Quickly, suddenly without any pain to him, but much to those left behind. I miss him everyday, every moment, every thought. . .how does one go on? You just do, but with much anguish.

He was my #1 FAN when it came to knitting. Whenever I was joining a class at Stitch Therapy Brooklyn, he would always say "play nicely now". When I would return, he would ask "did you play nicely with the rest of the ladies?" I will miss those moments. I will miss the moments when he would call me at work to see if I arrived; would call me from home to ask if it was time for me to come home? etc. Never did he ask much of me, but he spoiled me terribly. Never will there be one like him ever again!